Homosexual OCD is manifested through thoughts and obsessions about the fear of being gay. It is not about feelings of doubt having to do with sexual orientation, but about a conflict of the fear of being gay, and the need to prove that that is not the case. A conflict is created inside the mind of the individual that deals with the need of having to clear out doubts, the need to be absolutely sure that the person is not homosexual. I want to clarify that one must not confound gay OCD with bisexuality.
People with homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder are usually heterosexual, not bisexual. Then, they only feel attracted by people of the opposite sex, and the conflict is a consequence of intrusive thoughts. For you to be able to correctly understand this conflict and how it may come up, I am going to put forth an example of how it can become chronic inside a person’s mind.
Okay, let’s see that example. Let’s imagine that a boy sees two men kissing each other’s lips, and in his mind a thought like this one comes up: How is it like to kiss a man? What do those men feel? Instantaneously, the boy takes conscience of such a thought, and mentally asks himself: Why am I having this thought? What if I am thinking this because maybe I am gay? How can I be completely sure that I am not? Also, it may be that aside from these “present day” thoughts, these are projected into the future: What if I become gay? How can I be certain that I will not be? This kind of thoughts enter a person’s mind over and over again, that is, they become intrusive and obsessive, and the individual enters into a loop of anguish and anxiety.
Usually people that come to develop gay OCD have grown and been raised inside families with strong opposition to homosexuality, or that this rejection has been placed in the boy’s mind by his environment at school, by his group of friends, or simply by society in general.
Fortunately for some, homosexuality has become increasingly accepted and respected, when comparing to not too many years ago. Let’s not forget that during all of History it has been an object of condemnation, censorship, and comparison to sin, even to sickness, and it has been used as a diminishing insult, etc. The heirloom of this kind of archaic and masculine-centric ideas has lingered and remained linked with society, which makes most people think of homosexuality as something worthy of being ashamed; thus, the simple fact of thinking about being gay, creates great anguish in most people.
It is common for people that develop gay Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to have beliefs that relate being gay to a thing to be ashamed of, or that it would be disappointing to their parents, etc. Throughout the years, I have come to realize that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder manifests itself in the shape of intrusive thoughts about that which one fears or condemns profoundly. Some examples, would be intrusive thoughts about the fear of being a rapist, a murderer or a pedophile in the case of antisocial-behavior OCD. Another example are intrusive thoughts of fear of becoming a drug-addict in people with strong rejection to drugs, and that have never ever used any kind of drugs. Another example of this is gay OCD, it is a fear of being or becoming gay, in people with strong rejection towards homosexuality. It is important to realize that these thoughts that generate so much anguish have nothing to do with the person being gay, but exactly the opposite, that is, with the rejection (unconsciously or not) of homosexuality.
Notwithstanding, the fact that you have this kind of manifestation of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is also the simple consequence that at some point in life a situation came up that drove you into a thought in the lines of: What if I am gay? Why am I thinking this? What if I am thinking of this because I am actually gay and I am not aware of it? What if…? What if…? That is what I call the triggering factor, meaning a life occurrence that leads to a thought which you become obsessed with. If you had not experienced that situation, you would not have developed gay Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but another kind that would have manifested as a consequence of having lived another sort of triggering factor. To be able to comprehend this deeply is a cornerstone to be able to overcome many types of manifestations of anxiety disorders.